HAPPY NEW YEAR. (31/12/12)

I am looking forward to a great year and hope yours is as good.

I have made six New Year resolutions.

(1)  I will desist from imbibing all alcoholic drink.

(2)  I will stop smoking.

(3)  Swallow and enjoy my five a day.

(4)  I will purchase a new and smaller box of condoms. I notice that the last lot are well passed their best before date…I was wondering what the problem was! Dissemination will be a thing of the past.

(5)  I shall henceforth call the dogs in a quiet, dignified and polite manner.

(6)  No more exaggeration,  procrastination, lying or blaspheming for me.

Taken one at a time these should take me through till lunch time tomorrow and then I can really celibate….I mean celebrate 2013.

              My New Year Card…….Lights and Rain.

My New Year Joke.

A crusty bewhiskered old Royal Navy Bosun was invited to a New years Eve Ball. Showered, beard trimmed,  dressed in his Number Ones and medals polished off he went.

He was standing with a small glass of wine when a nubile young lady approached and asked.

“I see you are in the Royal Navy”.

“Yes ma’am.”

Looking at his medals she said. “Wow! You have seen a lot of action.”

“Lot of action Ma’am.”

She said. “ Are you alright? You seem very serious.”

“Just serious Ma’am.”

Getting desperate and also feeling compassion for the old matelot she said. “ It is a New Year party, you ought to try and relax…..enjoy yourself.”

“Relax Ma’am. Enjoy Ma’am.”

“You really are stressed. I hope you will forgive my asking but when did you last make love?”

“2001 Ma’am.”

“Oh! You poor thing.” Taking him by the hand she led him upstairs to a spare room.

Later she lay panting with her head on his chest and said breathlessly. “My you’ve not forgotten much since 2001.”

Looking at his watch. “ Should hope not Ma’am……It’s only 2133 now!”

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

NO RAIN TODAY. (30/12/12)

We had a good walk this morning but there was very little about. It was windy and felt really cold but it was dry.          GLO has been at it again……many thanks Glo.

I didn’t get any good photographs today though I did have a play. They are better than the ones I got a day or two ago. My fingers were frozen as I had left my gloves in the van.

      It was good to see the sun but for some reason I wasn’t really in the mood. I did give big Bertha an airing but there was nothing to aim it at. We will see what tomorrow brings. It’s raining again now.

IT NEVER STOPS. (29/12/12)

Today it’s been warm rain…..This rain is driving me to insecticide ( how did Google let that word past?) Just realised I meant zooicide. This rain is not unrelenting, It has stopped…….See……..      Beech Croft Farm at sunset…..Never a better image have I taken.

The new, to me, 5D is sussed. I have learnt to press the big black button and let it get on with what it was designed for. It has a mode dial but I have chosen to ignore it. I leave it on Av. I haven’t a clue what ‘v’ means but on this setting it  acts like an Olympus.

I wish Olympus had kept up. I feel a traitor every time I press a Canon button.

On buttons….this is ridiculous…….

     The new lens has more buttons, levers and sliders than the Starship Enterprise. Little wonder that poor old Spock was forever bailing Kirky out of the brown and smelly…..I need Scotty! Starship Star Bar he was!

Another  day another dollar less.

All images will enlarge with a click. I’m fed up, life is wet and horrid.

I have learnt this lens also has a wire security tether. Has to be purchased as an extra. Blow that! If they can carry it faster than I can run whilst belabouring them with a tripod the thieves deserve it.

Tomorrow could possibly be wet as well.

Brilliant!

I’VE GOT A BIG ONE. (28/12/12)

I’ve got a really big one, cheaper than a Ferrari and less painful than surgical enhancement.

I phoned Harrison Cameras yesterday, I only wanted a Dorr LED macro ring…..Their unused 400mm f2.8 was going begging. Couldn’t leave it at the price. Daft as a brush I am. I dreamt of it, well I would have…. had I got to sleep!

… I am now the proud owner of a lens that is as big and as expensive as a small car. I can see why. It has lots of buttons on it. Lots and lots of buttons and switches as well, the odd lever thrown in to promote yet further confusion!…. I can see the next investment being a battery pack for the 5D to run it and a gimballed tripod head to support it. I could well need a shopping trolley to move it and a Sherpa to carry the camera.

After six shots with the 5d II I could see a difference. Even on the lap top screen definition is better.  Colour is all over the place, pushing magenta but being colour blind  it could well have been pushing orange. I have to rely on others and then try and remember RGB histograms. I love it and have decided against the Hasselblad. So I have just spent an awful lot of money on Canon toys…

I’m back to where I was with gear and back to porridge. Porridge is fine as long as one has sugar and a raisin or two….. An apricot for Sundays.

    Here it is sitting on my settee or as I prefer to call it, optimistically,  the love seat. When I get my strength back from lugging it this far then I’ll lift it out and show you some more snaps.

Canon are a wee bit cheapo. They only give a big leather effect bag, posh leather effect but still a plastic bag and not a lens cover. No worries, lens covers are plastic and I have a dinner plate that will fit.. I presume they think a big posh hard case makes up for their remiss. Daft buggers!….Who wants that much money in a box that cries £10K worth? Wouldn’t survive one trip through Heathrow! I reflect that they aren’t that daft…. It gets nicked and I get the insurance….brilliant but my receipt only shows a fraction of £10K. Old for new insurance has to be the way to go…They sell another lens…I’m not completely barmy… neither are Canon.

After a dreadful year I hope this lens will earn it’s keep…. I’ll be fitter and thinner than a racing snake when I get it in position…..In position? ….I’ll be fit as fit as a butchers dog after getting it out of the van!….It’s up to me now.

Anyone wot comes around and has a Canon EF fit camera are welcome to play. The only conditions I will impose are:

(1)  If you get crap on the front element. You Pay a team of window cleaners.

(2) You carry it yourself.

(3) You genuflect whenever I come within your peripheral vision.

(4) You have fun.

Having fun is what life is about. I am a fool and big is not necessarily best…

Except in Texas. Who cares a Texan big black hat is black….. Only Texans belief there are degrees of black. Only idiots like me own a lens bigger than Texas.

If I don’t post again the lens has done for me.

.

A SEASONAL LETTER. (26/12/12)

A SEASONAL LETTER

Hello All,

Well it’s been another busy and successful year here at the Ward camper.

I have lived life renunciating not only the pleasures of the flesh but all manner of consumer goods. There has been no profligate spending for us during 2012. Not, I beg you to understand, because of any financial restraints.  I am very proud of my carbon footprint this year and it has induced in me a higher level of smugness that I have ever experienced before.

I didn’t get published in The National Geographic this year. I objected to their demand that I travel first class by commercial airline and then private helicopter to remote places just to get to take a picture or two. Staying in expensive hotels at the company’s expense was also at odds with my avowed intention to live the life of an anchorite. I am very much afraid that The National Geographic’s loss was my gain.

I did consider a plea from the National Trust to contribute to their calendar yet again!  After much soul searching I decided that a picture or two in the East Byker Gazette would be ecologically preferable. They print on recycled, non glossy paper . It is then re employed as wrapping for take away food. Finally it is used as a fundament polisher. A truly green or possibly brown publication.

Alfie is doing very well and despite losing a demanding position as an executive Rat Catcher he bounced back and is now gainfully employed as a tree waterrier.

Molly has gone from strength to strength this year, her Open University course in Canine Philosophy is proving to raise few, if any, problems…….I would go so far as to state that she is not walking it but sleeping it.

Though it will be difficult to surpass this year’s achievements I am sure that the next year in the Ward Vanhold will prove to be equally satisfying, successful and exciting. Of course there will be problems. Here we prefer to embrace challenges and revel in the opportunities they present. I feel it a pity that more of you don’t share our attitude.

We would like to wish all you less accomplished people the very best of luck in achieving a semblance of success with your inadequate and miserable lives during twenty thirteen or as we prefer to call it MMXIII.

Yours with best wishes and our heads firmly embedded up our arses, (We favour the word fundaments to arses). We don’t patronise here in truck land, you take your pick,

Love,

Adrian, Molly and Alfie.

 

I have been out this morning and just to prove I have another opportunity here are the first results from the Canon in HDR…..

  Even I am not perfect all the time…back to the camera manual….It was a sunny morning, how long it will last is anyone’s guess.

Enjoy Boxing Day. If you are out irritating foxes then I pray it rains on you.

PS. For those that are out dressed in Pink for the first time remember that on sighting a fox the call is Tally Ho!….under no circumstances is bellowing “After the Little Brown Bastard!” considered acceptable. Slaughtering wild creatures must be conducted with the decorum befitting of a gentleman or gentlewoman.

SNOLLYGOSTER. (25/12/12)

A Snollygoster is a dishonest man who holds public office. It’s a very old word but how it fell into disuse is a mystery. We have hundreds if not thousands of them in the UK and it is much more fun than Lying Bastard!

I woke this morning and checked my e-mail. I only had the one and it was a Christmas greeting from my old tax dodging friend  the Artful Dodger at Amazon. He had books for £0.99p….not many…. this one was £1.20p. A bargain none the less. It’s The Horologicon by Mark Forsyth. I had a quick and clumsy skim through it….The Kindle is not much use for flicking through books……Unless I’m missing something. Be useless for cookery books. I can see The Horologicon providing plenty of entertainment and illumination. 

I took the dogs a walk at first light…..not that there was much light.

      My first proper snap taken with the Canon. I have a half dozen earlier ones mainly of my knee, foot and random bit’s of furniture…..It went off now and again whilst I was trying to set it up.

    A miserable morning, raw cold and very wet.

We all got back, the Canon has survived the rain so that is a bonus. It is going to take some sorting. It has so many tricks it can do. It has two positions for the ON switch……not sure what that is about. I like the auto focus it is quick and has three settings . One of which locks it on a moving subject without my input. It can’t however lock on two moving subjects so the dogs running will have to be shot one at a time or at f16 and up.

I had a massive fried breakfast…….now I’m still too full for my Christmas dinner. I got a Pheasant. It will still be fine for tomorrow.

I made the dogs dinner.

   Two of these…..rice and chicken with scrambled egg and a sausage each. It took ten minutes to make and a minute to disappear. Alf's went down so fast it bounced on the end of his tummy and shot straight back…he ate it again and this time it stayed put. Greedy, revolting little devils.

    The dogs need a haircut…..I’ll get them clipped in Scotland.

Enjoy the rest of the holiday.

CAREFUL. (23/12/12)

Santa has been again…..Wot a good boy I am! First a Kindle and then a camera.

I went into Sheffield with my estranged wife, super star she is…Sometimes!… To Harrison Cameras. I have had my eye on a second hand Canon 5D II. I have eventually got it.

My first impressions are that it takes a good picture. I haven’t got a charger for it nor a flash gun…sorry strobe….sorry again, Speedlight.. The battery charger is on it’s way.

I CAN’T WORK IT!

Time will cure that. It is a bit tacky compared to the E-3/E-5 Olympus cameras.  I won’t be popping this one under a hose pipe any time soon. I won’t be taking it to the bottom of waterfalls.

I want a still camera, this has video as well but no swivel screen for macro focus in live view. Means much rolling around on the ground. I’ll ask the Ex. to assist she looked good today.

I also got an old 17mm/40mm zoom lens. It’s only f4 but that will do for landscapes. I had thought a cable release leaf shutter prime might have been chucked into the deal..I dream. Apparently though the technology is a hundred years old. The lenses are still 2K and upwards.

I did fancy an F2.8 400mm Canon prime but as long as I eat porridge I could not justify spending £6.5K on a lens. It is like new if anyone fancies one.

I spent my money wisely. I did get a cable release, A UV filter and a polariser. Wanted a couple of ND Grads but all they had were Cokin and I wasn't going to invest in them. I’ll get a Cokin holder and  Lee Grads. That will do for my New Year present. Like learning a foreign language is the first hour with a Canon. The lord alone knows what trials and tribulations the old Hasselblad  is going to entail.      Alfie was handy for the first Canon shot. I haven’t a clue what it was set on……Nothing new there then!… I’ve had Olys for years and years and hadn’t much more idea with them.  All I can say is Alf is tired….Shopped out.

     This is what I got. A camera with only ten thousand clicks on it and a battered but serviceable lens. The red stripe means it’s waterproof….not waterproof as I know it!…I’ll be careful.

   Not an imaged stabilised lens but it will do.  They even put a flock fur coating inside the lens hood. Akin to Indian restaurant wallpaper but without the lurid red bits.  I’ll have to be careful with that.

    The business end 77mm across…like a basking sharks maw…. so I’ll have to pay a fortune for filters and filter hoods. I need four inch square Grads. Nothing in my life pans out as cheap as I anticipated it would be. It’s because I’m not careful.

I am dreading and at the same time looking forward to making it do as I bid it. It will take a while so though it isn’t heavy I’ll still carry the E-3. I’ll be getting fitter and more desirable day by day.

We will see how it goes.

Cameras have been a factor of my life, so have fast cars and fast ladies. All have to be learnt.The ladies learn’t but I never did…This one, the camera….. It will be a beauty.

Merry Christmas.

PS. The cardboard box is what I got my investment in. Nowt like shopping in the north. They did offer a bag to put the box in…..Waste not want not. The box was fine for me.

 

SOME GOOD NEWS? (20/12/12)

We have arrived in Derbyshire. The van passed it’s VOSA test. One ball joint, new rear brakes and three wiper blades so good news.

The bad news is that twenty miles from my destination I lost about fifty percent of the engine power. No nasty noises. I’ll get on the case today in the light. Seems like a timing problem. It’s all I need at this time of year. Everybody diving off on holiday, coming back and going away again. It is going to be a nightmare but I’ll try and maintain a positive attitude.

I went shopping whilst the van was in for repair……Got a new pair of braces to hold my waterproof trousers up. Just as well It is pouring here. I also got myself an old model Kindle in Waterstones for £69.00p. It took me ages to register the damn thing, much repetitive poking of my finger and squinting at tiny writing….yes I did find that I can increase the font size but only after turning the air blue for thirty minutes and getting a nasty blister on my digit. After about an hour I managed to download a book. It was free.

Here it is………It is great and written in a very amusing style. I am not convinced that the author intended the humour……..It is reminiscent of ‘The Accent of Rumdoodle’. I suspect it is possible to download books onto the laptop and then upload to the Kindle. It’s a real pain using the reader. I’ll read the instructions.

Have fun.

READY TO GO. (16/12/12)

This is the last time I’ll see this view. I’ve been parked up since August waiting for parts and then waiting for enough money to have them fitted. We have moved from the site and are now on the road. This could have been a major operation as I found that the rear brakes that didn’t work worked too well and were seized on. This despite my leaving them off. It was a minor matter in the end. Nothing that my tow rope and a big John Dere tractor couldn’t solve.

  The Pond.

   The ruts…..comes of dragging five tons of van. No worries Peter is putting hard standing in before March. It is a great place to stop as it’s quiet and miles from anywhere. I just wish I could find a similarly quiet place in the hills for the summer. I am a traveller but travel in opposition to normal travellers. They park up in winter and I do the reverse.

  The Camper ready to roll. Almost! I see my printer needs stowing.

Yesterday I went out for another meal. Went to town on the bus with the dogs and had a great time. The meal was superb. Turkey, ham and apricot pie. Potato brazed in turkey stock and a sharp vegetable puree. The pie was spot on and made with hot water crust pastry. Now I can make raised pies, I even thought I was good at it. This chef made me realize that I have much to learn. Three pints of beer, a funny sort of lesbian fruit beer and a coffee for my companion and all for thirty pounds….Apart from the bill it was wonderful.

In the north of England one doesn’t get owt for nowt. Well you do at Macdonald's but she didn’t seem keen on going there and they won’t let dogs in so that clinched the matter. Thank you Twenty2 in Darlington. You never disappoint, great beer, wonderful food and bar staff who use Hasselblads and develop and print their own work.

        

Darlington wasn’t too busy. Mind you it was a bit wet.

Tomorrow the van goes to the camper hospital for some major surgery. We all move into a proper house for a few days. A proper house will be good. I’ll be able to walk around taking big steps without getting either cold or wet, have a washing machine, a bath or a shower. This is one posh house. It even has two settees so if I get fed up I can sit somewhere else.

It doesn’t have T’Internet so I don’t expect to post again till Friday….. A Friday in July?

Have a good week and pray that Paula has her pencil really sharp when she does my truck bill.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS. (15/12/12)

This is the first card……it may be the last but I am hoping to send you all a better one.

Should it not materialize then have a great time no matter how you decide to celebrate the day

.

Thank you for entertaining and putting up with me.

 

BRRRRR!! (13/12/12)

It is cold and damp. I can barely see the bird feeders for the fog. I’ll have to find them as they have just been visited by a large flock of Starlings which means they will be empty.

I decided to play around with the flash unit. Mainly to delay much needed camper cleaning.Considering how cold and misty it has been for the past couple of days there is surprisingly little hoar frost. A cold Bulrush.

An equally chilly Teasel.

I have several more images on a similar theme but will spare you further purgatory.

On with the van cleaning.

The rain is forecast to return tomorrow. Where is the snow?

That’s all for today.

SOMEWHERE. (10/12/12)

What weather! I was out for a walk first thing but beat a hasty retreat as I was being hail blasted. After breakfast the sun came out and so we sallied forth once again. It was another short wander. The squalls are ferocious we were soaked and frozen again.

The light is spectacularly beautiful. The following photographs are HDR and the contrast has been given a good shove or a bad shove depending on ones point of view.

Both these pictures were taken from the shelter of the van. I did take some others but unfortunately they were a wash out.

I’m waiting to hear from the garage so hopefully I’ll get a date for the repairs sometime today.

Now it’s time to have a shower and warm up.

That’s all for today. Keep dry.

A WONDERFUL DAY. (09/12/12)

We were up long before the Lark. Not that I’ve seen or heard a Lark so I’m not sure what time he rises. The Woodpeckers have to have sun on their backs to be bothered to decimate my feeders.

We were out,  back for breakfast and I was half way through a bowl of porridge before the first Woodpecker deigned to visit. Mrs Woodpecker is back but very wary or maybe camera shy. I really want a picture of her now. Little minx eats the food I give her and buggers off as soon as I focus the camera.

Yesterday afternoon I had a small flock of very polite birds visit. They queue in an orderly way in the Elder behind my feeders and pop down to eat a few at a time.

Long Tailed Tits. A gregarious but gentle bird. Unlike the Starling and the Jackdaw. One of the latter being brighter than the rest has learnt to unhook this feeder . All his mates line up on the fence waiting for it to hit the ground. It is great to watch as he defends his prize against all comers till he has had three or four uninterrupted pecks. Another forty pence in a birds tummy.

This is one of the males. The female is back , as I write this she is here again but it’s almost dark. These were all taken yesterday afternoon.

This morning I brushed the dogs at half nine…..I was already sparkling bright and smelling of roses.

Off we set for Morrisons to buy a bottle of wine.

I’ll be blowed! It was eight ponds fifty nine ponce. I am far from clear how many units of alcohol there are in a bottle of wine with a dinted bottom and a cork but I seem to remember Dithery Dave promising me drink at fifty or forty five ponces a unit. It may not have become a law yet. Precious little else he has promised has. Gave my ponces, dubloons and ponds to a bemused cashier. Shouldered my bottle of myrrh.

Off we toddled to the bus stop…..I needed a number 12 but a number 11 came along just as I’d fired up a rolly. The number 11 goes to town and in roughly the right direction so pinching out the fag, on we hopped.  I didn’t have much choice. In dangerous places I clip the dogs together and then have them on a lead that reels in and reels out. It has a lock but it wasn’t locked so they were already halfway down the bus before I’d extinguished my smoke. They are a pair of petrol heads. Anything with wheels, an engine and an open door they are in and quick sticks. 

We had a good half hour to kill in town. Sunday morning in town is paradise for dogs. Bits of kebab, cold chips, the wee puddles of half dried sick, pools of blood from a broken nose or stabbing,  the odd trainer and policeman's boot…..takes five minutes a yard to get anywhere so despite only having to wander quarter of a mile to catch the number 12 we only just made it. What I call perfect timing. I would have been standing around in the cold if it weren’t for the dogs and their revolting propensities.

I am just back from my Christmas lunch. The hostess not only cooked a wonderful roast beef dinner with perfect veg, Yorkshire Puddings, Yorkshire Salad (a new one for me too) and gravy but limited herself to one glass and a bit of my contribution. After a quick and slip slidey walk with the dogs she then drove us all back home with some pressies for Christmas day. What a star.

There was me feeling sorry for myself. I am a miserable, grumpy old devil. But I had a wonderful time. I am tempted to do Christmas next week as well.

All the very best for the coming week.

 

THE LEAST SAID. (08/12/12)

A much warmer morning than I have enjoyed for a while. A clear and windless walk. The only blot on the landscape being that a fox has had five hens……A very, very naughty fox.

      This could become a rare tree. This one seems fine at the moment. Ash die back has disappeared from the news. I am waiting for the next disaster to strike.

The Duchess of Cambridge is out of hospital. There could be a bit of a conundrum to be sorted. Should she have twins then which one would be first in line? It is accepted that the old union rule of ‘Last In…..First Out’ should be employed. This could be reversed as the first in is to my perverse logic the eldest. I just hope that long before a decision has to be made they and we will be living in a republic. Re-reading this unless we have a right Royal disaster then I will be long past caring.

Tomorrow I have been invited out for lunch so I’ll have to get polished up, give the dogs a good brush, grab a bottle of wine and catch the bus. The forecast is good so the couple of mile wander to the bus stop should be dry and pleasant.

You have a good weekend and enjoy the week to come.

TWO LAKES. (06/12/12)

   Skating Geese……..Derwentwater.

  A warmer image of Ullswater.

Last night was the coolest yet. I forgot to switch the heating on and by the time I realised it was too cold to get up and do so. I could become a hyperthermia statistician.

I’m hoping that the truck will be repaired next week so with a little luck, a fair wind and Thor or Atlas being willing I should be back on the road soon.

I was sent this so will spend the remaining time here dog training.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-20614593

That’s all for today. Keep warm or if you are warm stay comfortable.

BIRDS AND ALL THAT. (02/12/12)

I was going to title this ‘Means Testing for Birds’. I may go right wing and start hitting the idle birds in their tummies. Greedy little devils are shifting fat balls, seed, (expensive RSPB seed) and peanuts by the kilo. I’m living on porridge and fruit.
I’m listening to Nora Jones as I type this. She’s better than her dad.  All that strange sitar stuff is just not as appealing without a spliff on the go.
How does one means test a bird?…….It could turn out that one penalizes a bird worthy of help…..I’ll forget the means test. It could cause more trouble than it’s worth.
       The Great Spotted Woodpecker. I have two males visiting but the female has gone. I hope she is okay.
These were taken on Sunday afternoon and it  was the second time I’d filled the fat ball feeder. Starlings don’t help. They fire fat ball all over the place but the Robins and Chaffinches get to hoover up.
    I woke to a sprinkling of snow on Monday. A vile start to the day. Freezing and damp so I let the dogs walk themselves whilst I had breakfast…..you guessed….. porridge again! I settled down with my current book Alchemist by Peter James, I’m about halfway through and still can’t convert base metal to gold. I’ll get on with reading the second half and see what I can glean from it.
  By noon things had brightened up and so we toddled out for a proper walk.


The horses are wrapped up warm.
I may struggle to post over the next  few weeks. Christmas is not my favourite feast and to make matters worse the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant. The news is wall to wall ‘Duchess Done’ commentary. Expert opinion on almost all aspects of the matter are being sought. Almost all aspects!….The media have so far failed to go into details of the conception. Within twelve hours I have heard more, informed, rubbish than I was subject to during the entire US election.
Have fun, I’ll turn the radio off and try and preserve what little sanity that I have left.