I am looking forward to a great year and hope yours is as good.
I have made six New Year resolutions.
(1) I will desist from imbibing all alcoholic drink.
(2) I will stop smoking.
(3) Swallow and enjoy my five a day.
(4) I will purchase a new and smaller box of condoms. I notice that the last lot are well passed their best before date…I was wondering what the problem was! Dissemination will be a thing of the past.
(5) I shall henceforth call the dogs in a quiet, dignified and polite manner.
(6) No more exaggeration, procrastination, lying or blaspheming for me.
Taken one at a time these should take me through till lunch time tomorrow and then I can really celibate….I mean celebrate 2013.
My New Year Joke.
A crusty bewhiskered old Royal Navy Bosun was invited to a New years Eve Ball. Showered, beard trimmed, dressed in his Number Ones and medals polished off he went.
He was standing with a small glass of wine when a nubile young lady approached and asked.
“I see you are in the Royal Navy”.
“Yes ma’am.”
Looking at his medals she said. “Wow! You have seen a lot of action.”
“Lot of action Ma’am.”
She said. “ Are you alright? You seem very serious.”
“Just serious Ma’am.”
Getting desperate and also feeling compassion for the old matelot she said. “ It is a New Year party, you ought to try and relax…..enjoy yourself.”
“Relax Ma’am. Enjoy Ma’am.”
“You really are stressed. I hope you will forgive my asking but when did you last make love?”
“2001 Ma’am.”
“Oh! You poor thing.” Taking him by the hand she led him upstairs to a spare room.
Later she lay panting with her head on his chest and said breathlessly. “My you’ve not forgotten much since 2001.”
Looking at his watch. “ Should hope not Ma’am……It’s only 2133 now!”
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Happy New Year, Adrian. You always make me smile.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping 2013 brings many more smiles to all.
It would be a miracle if I could make most of those resolutions last till lunch time tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteLove the joke.
Have an exceptional new year Adrian. All the very best to you and the four legged wonders.
Keith I'll get up late.
DeleteNot quite sure what to say . . . except Happy 2013!
ReplyDeleteLucy, you best keep quiet then. Have a great year.
DeleteHappy new year Adrian, could the seventh resolution be...I will endeavor to break all previous resolutions as soon as possible...and then start to enjoy myself?
ReplyDeleteExcellent joke...[;o)
Trevor, yes!....told you before I need an editor.
DeleteWe always pick the vices that bring us pleasure to quit for the new year. Why not the horrible stuff like cheap wine or granulated coffee? Good luck with the resolutions, I will give it a week! You bit about shouting at the dogs reminded me of this clip, which you have probably seen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmpONxJ7JSw Happy New Year Adrian, am enjoying the blog immensely.
ReplyDeleteGary, I never quit anything.....Causes stress! I don't want to end up prosaic like all those 'Goody two Shoes' on Prozac. You have a good one too, won't be long till the grass starts growing.
DeleteAye Fenton....He is an amateur dog shouter. Mine chase deer as well but only Roe Deer. They don't chase sheep or hens or ducks. I have told them. Told them very loudly leave the F...ers alone.
DeleteJust back from a pub lunch with the ex and she remarked how perfectly behaved they were in the pub....Get between a man and his beer and they really would be for it.
Your resolutions are an excellent example of irony. With resolutions like these wishing you happy New Tear is a waste of time!
ReplyDeleteHere does though. I just can't help myself. Maybe I need a resolution. Have a happy , prosperous and healthy New year.
The New Year will be what it turns out to be. A bit will be chance a bit will be hard work and a bit planning. I'll stick with the Chance and chance to luck.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good year.
Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteCheers Daliana or Wind. Sorry if I missed an 'L' out it's all Romanian to me.
DeleteIf you don't make any you can't break any - that my excuse and I'm sticking with it.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all you would wish for yourself Adrian.
John, I don't make or break solutions. 'Twas only in jest for the post'.
DeleteThe condoms bit is true I purchased a dozen two years ago and there are still ten left sorry, just had a stock take... eight. Where did the other two go? I have been burgled by a johnny thief. I can't imagine using one when inebriated. Can't recall a lass tipping her own up, it's a mystery...... My eyes are bigger than my willy...... I'll buy three next time.
Happy New Year Adrian I hope 2013 is kind to you.
ReplyDeleteHope the leg keeps going and have a great year.
DeleteHa! Great joke. And some excellent resolutions... I'd just stick with the five a day if I were you. Let's not remove all pleasures, tectonic or otherwise. (Dear all - it's not what you think - it is a reference to his comments on MY blog, ok?)
ReplyDeleteIt's only a bit of fun. Fun! The earth moving is a once in a lifetime experience. For proper people and women too.
DeleteHave a magical MMXIII.
So that's how one spells tectonic. I live and I learn. Helps when fit totty his heducating me. Positive I was it had a 'K' in it somewhere.
Have a funny (ha ha) new year in 2013.
ReplyDeleteSolarising a poor bird Bob.....They look good...Happy New Year. I am always serious.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who doesn't drink or smoke, always eats five a day, always talks to dogs (and recalcitrant small children) in a quiet and dignified manner, and never exaggerates, procrastinates, or blasphemes (I shall pass on the condoms) all that is left for me to do is stop lying.
ReplyDeleteGraham you don't like dogs! Bet you do if fit totty is walking one. Forget small children they are terrifying.
DeleteThe condoms are a mystery...surely I couldn't have forgotten a two shag? Must be getting old...it's worrying.
That's as fine a list of resolutions as ever I've seen. Well done. I'd file them to bring out again next year. Great joke, I'm sure that one will get another airing!
ReplyDeletePerfect list I thought too.
DeleteI've been a gentleman today. Took my ex wife out for lunch. She took me shopping for food. We came back and I invited her in for a coffee and a blow job. She went. What did I say wrong.
She lives a sheltered life since she gave me the boot.
I even told her Happy New Year.
Can't do right for doing wrong in this world.
Happy New Year Adrian, I hope you party hearty tonight and have a great time. Just don't drive if you do. Have a great 2013.
ReplyDeleteNot partying tonight Horst. Going to settle in with a book shortly. Happy New Year to you.
DeleteHappy New Year Adrian!
ReplyDeleteFrancessca, Happy New Year.
DeleteSo, what you mean is you still have 364 days remaining to do these by. Right? Happy New Year you over achiever!
ReplyDelete:)
You have got it.
DeleteHi Adrian...Hmmm...I may be late with the New Years wish thing, but close or just before 12:00 not sure! Who cares anyway...you are so entertaining with your stories, so hope to hear more from you in the New Year...hope it is a great one!!
ReplyDeleteGrace
Happy New Year, Adrain !
ReplyDeleteThank you Wah.
DeleteHi...
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, full of joy, health and God’s Blessings!
BShell
You have a great year too.
Delete