I DIDN’T BELIEF IT. (03/01/13)

I was awake this morning at two. Alf had a poorly tummy and was sick on my pillow. Could have been a lot worse, he could have been sick in my ear. He comes for a cuddle if he feels poorly.

I dropped the van off at the garage at half seven. Took some getting there. It was smoking like the devil. No power at all. A Second World War destroyer would have been proud of the smoke we created.

At just the the back of eight my brother collected the dogs and me and off we went back up the hill. My smoke screen was still lingering an hour later.

His Landrover needed a new windscreen so a coffee and a failed crossword later off we set for Sheffield.

The screen people are just across the road and the river Don from a humongous shopping mall. He had to return something to a shop called TKMIX. Find the bloody place, could we hell! …Took us ages. We did pass lots of Costa Coffees. There was one every five shops which doesn’t help with navigation. I was getting fed up…Mightily pissed off to be honest.

Eventually he said I wish I’d got the APP for this place….apparently the APP takes one straight to ones destination. I don’t do APPs, well I don’t think I do. These things creep up on one, apps must be a bit like cannabis.

Everyone in the world that sells a mobile phone are here….almost as regularly as Costa! I have an old Nokia that has to remain plugged in. I suspect after six years it’s battery is not in the first flush of youth. It is possible that it’s just the newness wearing off. I am on T Mobile. Could I find a T Mobile shop? Could I hell as like so went into Hutchinsons emporium……sorry 3GGS’S. These folk change their names faster than a lady changes knickers. I asked. Do you know where T Mobile are? We can sell you a phone sir……I don’t want to buy a phone I want to return one as not fit for purpose. Quick as a flash he said they are called EEEEE now.  Well Bugger Meeee! They were but two doors away. They are now called ‘EE’. Just to help if you find yourself in a similar predicament.

It’s a long job buying a phone. I asked for a Nokia….he said we have a promotion on Samsung. I said, no good to me. It took me a year to swap from Motorola to Nokia and there is not a cat in hells chance of my going through that grief again. He said would you prefer the new 4G or a 3G….I said I’d like one with a dial for old times sake.

He got fed up but I got a new phone for £11.99p.  Well £12.00p because the daft bugger didn’t have a penny for the change…..I did think when he introduced himself he was a penny short of a full shilling…..I was correct!

My brother suggested lunch whilst we awere awaiting for his awindscreen. (He expresses himself like that in posh shopping places).

The food bit is on two floors….amazing it is. Macdonalds, Pizza Express and Man Friday and Girl Saturday and a dozen others are downstairs all for the really fat folk. Homemade Burger and Sushi and Pilaterers salads and dozens of others are up the escalator. We settled for a posh burger. Even had proper cheese in it and proper red onion chutney in it and delivered by a lass who was the possessor of what must be the finest arse in Sheffield…She even said. Anything else I can do for you guys. My little brother gave me a kick. I thought I’d scored but kept quiet. Still think I’d trapped one!  I should bloody hope so too! I can do a weekly shop for what a couple of those burgers cost. Lord alone what a couple of hers would cost? Good burger though and the burger lasted longer than I could have done with her.

It was time to pick the Landrover up…….There is a God after all. Like hell on earth that place was. The burger, arse and the waitresses' couple withstanding.

The garage phoned and informed me the camper was ready. Just the intercooler pipe. No big deal! On the way home we called at Harrison Cameras. I had a few more bits to pick up. This is my landscape lens…..It’s old but fine. I would have preferred a prime 35mm but this was fast and reasonable. Because it’s fast it has a massive 77mm front orifice and none of my filters will fit. So I’d ordered a basic Cokin set of grads and a hefty four stop grey, all in extra, extra large. The observant among you will have noticed a 2x teleconverter. Going begging it was! How do people keep gear this clean? It’s more sparkling bright than when Canon dispatched it. I’m going to keep my tackle clean.

I am delighted that I have now got all I need. There is a drop in polariser still on it’s way from Japan for Big Bertha. The gimballed head is here…..I tried a few and the Benro GH2 was the best for the money. Whilst we were in the shop they managed to unload a prime 50mm onto my brother. They don’t miss a trick in that shop. Hard to resist. They do it so nicely.

I used to live the high life till I realized the camera shop was there. I used to enjoy milk on my porridge. Cream and Maple syrup on high days and holidays. I’ll be thinner than a Biafran. Getting food parcels from Oxfam…that will be me.

We are at Chatsworth for a couple of nights then away back to Stockton to get the vans shower pump sorted.

Next week, Scotland here we come. Via B&Q for an all terrain sack barrow. Hopefully with a wee electric motor. I’ve seen, the fish annoyers have just the thing. I must ask one where they get them…..Waste of time that would be…..All I'd get would be Hurrrm! Gurrrm! Urrrm! I’ll ask the wife her gorrit us.

If anyone wants some mega studio tripods then Harrison have a few at about a hundred pounds each…money and weight. A pound a pound they are selling them for. That is a real bargain if one can lift them!

Enjoy the next nine days of Christmas.